Friday, November 17, 2006
(Disclaimer : Not an original post)
koii ummiid bar nahii.n aatii
koii suurat nazar nahii.n aatii
koi hope-ich nahin dikhrela hai
koi thopda dikta-ich nahin.
maut kaa ek din mu'ayyaa.N hai
nii.nd kyo.n raat bhar nahii.n aatii?
Ek din to ludakna hi hai,
raat ko sone ku kyon nahin sakta?
jaanataa huu.N savaab-e-taa'at-o-zahad
par tabiiyat idhar nahii.n aatii
[savaab=reward of good deeds in next life, taa'at=devotion; zahad=abstinence, restraint]
Maalum hain agle janam mein bahut rokda milega lekin saala bukaar hi bukaar hain.
hai kuchh aisii hii baat jo chup huu.N
varna kyaa baat kar nahii.n aatii
Kaiku mach-mach nahin kar rela hain?
roj to itna bakbak karti hain.
daaG-e-dil gar nazar nahii.n aata
buu bhii ai chaaraagar nahii.n aatii
[daag-e-dil=wounds on the heart; gar=if (short for agar); buu=smell; chaaraagar=healer/doctor ]
Iske chaati pe churi kidhar maara, bey?
Doctor kidhar ku gaya?
marate hai.n aarazuu me.n marane kii
maut aatii hai par nahii.n aatii
Bot magajmaari karke marneku try kiya
lekin maut bhi apun ke saat timepass kar-rela hai
kaabaa kis muu.Nh se jaaoge 'Ghalib'
sharm tumako magar nahii.naatii
Kaaba tu nako ja, boltahai mein
bindaas reh! tension nahin lene ka kya.
(Disclaimer : not an original - just a joke)
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The World Cup 2006 is on, and how! Jome Kulpi !
Yesterday history of sorts was made when Vikash Dhorasoo of France became the first player of Indian origin to play in the finals. And he almost got France the winner.
Well, Dhorasoo may be the only Indian in fray, but there are a lot of Bongs in action. Firstly, there is another French player, Louis Saha, related to Meghnad.
The absence of Denmark means that the hordes of Badyis are missing out this time. However, a few players from the famous Sen family are playing, like Jan Sen of Germany and Ol Sen of USA.
England's goalkeeper, however, spells his name SON instead of Sen, but he was Robin Sen to begin with.
Lot of Bongs are playing under nick-names, especially for African teams. Togo's goalkeeper is Kossi Agassa, which in Chittagongese means fledgling weed. Another African nation, Ghana, has our own Sri Shiladitya, who has Africanised his name to Illiasu Shilla. Ghana also has Gyan. Then there is Kali playing for Angola. I remember 35 years ago a midfielder called Kali Babu Sharma playing for the big clubs in Calcutta - Angola's Kali must be a relative. Then Ivory Coast has Boka, whose full name need not be mentioned, but the second part starts with 'C' and ends with 'a'. Kalou of Ivory Coast hails from Phuliya. Ivory Coast also has Bakary Kone, who once lived in the corner of Lord's bakary.
European teams have their Bongs, too. That small boy is playing for Germany, in fact he is the captain. Balak is his name, now Germanised to Ballack. Then there is that super strong player for Croatia, Balaban.
Then there is Manish Ray of Portugal, now called Maniche Rai. Spain has a Bong who is very lazy and never hits the ball - Marchena.
Some Bong players are using their family names. Dear Kaka scored a great goal for Brazil yesterday.
Brazil's goalie is Dida, obviously breaking the gender bias (and the age barrier). Brazil of course broke this gender bias long ago, when they fielded Didi in the 50s and early 60s. That player has now retired from football and returned to Bengal as a political leader.
Aruna Kone and Aruna Dindane are two Ivorians who have also triumphed over gender bias.
Then Togo has a strange player who is also using a family name, or two, to be exact. These are Mashi and Mesho, and the player is very, very fit or 'changa'.
The name has been Africanised to Massamesso Tchangai - an 'Ordho-Narishwar' sort of player.
Tunisia has another player who is obviously Bong and obviously suffering from that dreaded Bong disease of 'amasha'. He now calls himself Karim Haggui.
(Disclaimer : Not an original post)
There are two kinds of Bengalis that we know. Probashi or Expatriate Bangalees, a fairly large and diverse group and Bengalees who are from Kolkata. This group is incorrectly known as Bongs, as they are merely a subset. However, this is the only group which matters.
Gokhale said of them, long years ago, "What Bengal thinks today, India thinks tomorrow." To which Rene Descartes responded, "I think (today), therefore I am (Bengali)." Like all other Nobel Prize Winners, Oscar Awardees and most successful Indian cricket captains, Rene Descartes was also a Bong (this fact is not known outside of Kolkata).
The Bong has a large head, glasses, glistening hair and dark skin.
Older Bongs develop an ample stomach to balance their large heads.
This happens by the age of 25. They smell of Keo Karpin. The average life expectancy is 65 years. What is even more impressive is what they do in those years.
Outside Kolkata, regardless of weather, sex or age, Bongs can be seen in Monkey Caps. This is a must-have accessory as well as a sign to recognize other Bongs.
While most Bongs are born with innate talents in singing, dancing, painting, film-making, cooking or embroidery, their creative talents are honed even before they can start speaking. Frequent meets are organized between infants and their successful ancestors and other relatives. MA degrees (preferably from Cambridge, at least from Presidency or Jadobpoor) are displayed over the cots. The infant is exposed to the best of Bengali thought - Marx, Bentham, Kalidas, Tolstoy, Chekov*. This increases the sizes of their heads and the height of their ambitions. Similar examples, though rare, can be found in European tradition as well, like in the case of Mozart. In India, however, Bongs have the sole preserve on such activity during infancy.
Soon, when they grow up a little, their characters are honed in the best of schools. Here, I am not referring to the St. Xavier's, La Marts, Don Boscos and else all. They are important in the nurture a Bong child goes through. What is even more important are the schools the Bong child passes through before school and after school. Many a Bong child wakes up at five o'clock in the morning to attend swimming classes. After one hour of swimming, he attends tennis coaching before rushing off to one of the first heaven schools mentioned above. School finishes by three or so, from where he scoots along to Singing/ Instrumental Music/ Dance Classes, then tuition (for at least three of all five subjects). He rounds off the day with coaching on either Debating or Quiz.
Many a Bong mother will carry the child along through this day, feeling equally energized. This behavior is again not restricted to Bongs. It also seen within kangaroos in Australia who rush along from one clump to another bush.
Soon the Bong attains adolescence, doesn't find friends of his age (since everyone is competing for the Nobel Prize or the Indian
captaincy) and finds intimacy in conversation in his/her parents and poems of T.S. Eliot and Pablo Neruda.
When school ends, they move on to the good colleges - St. Xavier's, Presidency or IIT Kharagpur. The best of them, though, move straight to Joo (Jadobpoor). However, in recent years, Dilli (Stephen's obviously) is becoming the preferred destination for some escapists.
In colleges, they decorate their rooms with books or portraits of Robi Guru (Tagore). On the opposite wall, men would have posters of Che/Maradona and women would have Enrique Iglesias, thus expressing solidarity with Latin American culture. All of them share equal interest in the Bong-Rock (Bhumi, Chondrobindu, Cactus, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple).
Bongs mature early. Critics have said that they grow old early, but that is nothing but old hat. Years of toil and Eliot would obviously bestow wisdom. The reason they look older is because the sole purpose of a Bong's life is to win the Nobel Prize or the Oscars (and in recent years, captain the Indian team). With great responsibility comes great age. Add to it the chlorine in the swimming pools and you know why Bongs grey prematurely.
As far as their mission in life is concerned, they have been very successful at it. Every Indian Nobel Prize winner has been Bong. So have the Oscar Awardees. And most succesful Cricket Captain. And Bipasha Basu.
Once Bongs have kids though, their mission on life changes. The only raision de'etre for them is making sure that their progeny achieves the heights that they could (or couldn't). Hence, they are mostly found outside of schools, colleges and tuition classes.
Diet is as important as Robindro Shongeet. There's nothing that a Bong can't eat. However, they prefer protein over other food groups.
The largest source of protein for them is fish, then meat, and then mishti (sweets) made from milk. More than fish itself, it is the knowledge of fish which is coveted and enjoyed.
Carbohydrates are tolerated if they are fried in oil or if it is accompaniment to fish. Luchis (somewhat like a Puri), Telebhajas (pakoras) and Phuchkas (Paani Puri) are the favoured source of carbohydrates. The young Bengali though invariably always has Farex, Lactogen and Waterbury's Compound.
Mating and Procreation
A few Bong end up being in relationships, which lead to love marriage. This is sometimes shown in movies and song. However, most do not have any such social malignancy and end up marrying the woman of their mother's dreams or men of their father's choosing. This results in mixing the right genes for the next cycle of Bongs. Love marriage, by its very nature, is random. It sometimes results is tragedy, like marrying into another country (like India).Hence, it is avoided, wherever possible.
Adda, robindro shongeet and cha. Repeat. Do note that the young Bong doesn't have a social life (at least not till he wins the Nobel or gets a Government job).
While you may find a Bong in other places (like occasionally in offices), the best time to observe a Bong is in his natural habitat - the best of colleges, the best of schools, the best of coffee houses.
It is here that he will tell you about Balzac while she will recite poetry with gay abandon.
To mix in with the Bong, apply Keo Karpin to your hair and carry a jhola. Hopefully, they won't notice your small head. Do not worry about not knowing the language as the Bong likes being heard.
Many famous Bongs have been referred to in this extract. Hence, this section is used to debunk that big myth about Bongs. People believe that Bong men can't be hunky.
If so, then what about Abhishek Bachchan (via mother,) Saif Ali Khan (via mother), John Abraham (via girlfriend), Hritik Roshan (via grandmother) ???